____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Enjoy the penises
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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