woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
