You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
