new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
