Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You ruined the universe
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
