Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
