I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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