May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
