Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize