only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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