He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
