Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
