It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
