when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Randomize
