My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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