Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
