Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
