I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
