i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
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