I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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