he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize