based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
