turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
