apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
