He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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