Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
