he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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