I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
