Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
