GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Bring me that man meat
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
