After last night, I could never be a politician.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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