Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
