woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
