She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
