first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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