The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
