If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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