My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
