I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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