i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
