Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
