All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We don't watch enough power rangers
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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