Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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