this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
