What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
