I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
