did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
