some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize