How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Randomize
