Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
