People with herpes should wear stickers.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
