oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
