I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
