There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
